Words you never want to hear

This blog sits in the quiet recesses of one corner of the Internet...and I don't know if anyone ever reads it. No one comments on it, so I suppose that perhaps its my own personal, private diary in the most public space in the history of humanity.

There are certain words and phrases that no one wants to hear - phrases like, "You're fired" or "I don't love you any more." These words, inevitably, signal that we must be forced to change despite the fact that we don't want to. And, our natural reaction is to desperately try and hold onto the last few minutes of normalcy that existed before those words were ever uttered.

I encountered one of these phrases - "We've found a lump." To any woman - or any person - for that matter, this immediately inspires fear. I heard those words and I began desperately trying to clutch the last happy moments I remembered - driving to the doctor's office, laughing on the phone with Jeff while he was doing some silly impersonation of a wayward Southern preacher. They've found a lump - a tumor - about the size of a dime in my back, just to the left of my cervcial spine.

I don't even know if my reaction is warranted. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a biopsy scheduled for this Friday and I'll have to wait a week or so to get the results. As if life couldn't get any crueler, I need to wait to find out if I have cancer. Cancer...that's the first time since this happened, that I've been able to actually think - or in this case, type - those words out. I don't want to even think them because everything will be fine.

My girlfriend, Shan, had cancer our senior year of college. I called her last night because she, of all people, understands. She told me that I'm allowed to be upset about this for a day - I get twenty-four hours to cry it all out. The, I need to start taking care of myself. She once told me that the only thing in the world you can ever really control is your attitude. You can't control anything other than that, at this point. You can be proactive about the care that you receive, you can follow your doctor's orders to the letter...but at some point, you need to step back and let the chips fall where they may. But, your attitude lets you determine how you're going to view your situation.

I promise that I'll get there. I will gain strength and I will stand on my own two feet and face this head on, no matter what happens. I'm just not there now. Mostly I'm just afraid.